I hate how we see ourselves. I hate how I see myself. There is so much that is wrong about how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive each other. My whole life, I am unable to look at a picture of myself and not like what is there. I imagine it is my assumption that anyone who looks at that picture is perceiving it the way I see it. That I don’t look pretty enough, or skinny enough or happy enough. Whatever is there that I don’t like about myself is in that photograph. When that just isn’t true. About five or seven years ago I stopped caring if someone wanted to take my picture. That even if I might not like the photo, I should be in it. I should mark the experience I’ve had with my friends or family and be present in the moments captured. I realized that here were all these wonderful moments and I wasn’t in any of the photos. As if I had never been at those events or participating in my own life. This isn’t about vanity or getting down on myself. The way I see myself and the way I think others sees me are so vastly different it is so hard to ratify the difference.
This is a wonderful photograph of my friends and I celebrating a birthday. Facebook sent me a reminder that this event happened. That I might want to reflect and share this image with the people I am connected to on Facebook. I remember this image. I remember hating how I looked in this image. That I might not be as pretty or skinny as my friends but that I was just me. I could see all my insecurities in this one image and looking back on it, that is completely crazy. I don’t hate this image. I don’t care if I am as pretty or as skinny as my friends. They are my friends and we are celebrating a birthday. Why do we or I do this to ourselves? There is nothing inherently wrong with this picture except for the fact that I had discouraging feelings about myself. One of the many agreements with myself that I have been trying to change. I don’t want to live that way and though I still have a ways to go, seeing and believing are very different.